Phobias

The definition of a phobia is an extreme or irrational fear. Wikipedia lists over one hundred of them.  Some of which I relate to quite nicely.  Anyone who knows me would agree that I suffer from Murophobia, for example, which is the fear or dislike of mice and/or rats.  My Murophobia extends to gerbils, hamsters, and any other small rodent-like animal, which is why my daughter will never have any of those for a pet.  And, by the way, I also have the related phobia of Chiroptophobia, the fear of bats. But, really, who is to say that my fear is irrational or extreme.  I mean rats, bats - who in their right mind wouldn’t be afraid of those? 

I also have a mild case of Frigophobia, the fear of becoming too cold.  I’m one of these people who go through life freezing.  I have an inside jacket that I have to wear at work and I always take a coat on the airplane, even in the middle of summer.  Although I consider all of that more preparation than fear.

And, not to make fun of anyone who actually suffers from any of these phobias, but seriously, are some of them for real?  For example, Hypnophobia, the fear of sleep.  I often fear that sleep won’t come as I’m lying in bed awake at 3AM.  Is there a name for that phobia?  According to Wikipedia, no, there isn’t.

There are names for phobias like the fear of cheese (Turophobia) and the fear of the color yellow (Xanthophobia), but real, important phobias are clearly missing.

What’s the name for the phobia that you will die before you actually get a stove to fill that gaping hole in your kitchen and your countertops will still be pieces of plywood slapped haphazardly on top of the cabinets when they come cart you away for the last time?  Or the related phobia that people with much more style sense than you will come into your house, glance at the walls completely devoid of both pictures and artfully stenciled inspirational quotes, and whip out their phone and start texting, a look of glee on their faces? Neither of these got even a passing mention in Wikipedia.

No mention about the phobia that you will instant message your friend about your idiot boss and then realize that you are sharing your desktop with a hundred people, your boss included, either.  (Ha ha, you thought I was talking about you?  No, of course not. I was referring to a totally different Xavier Feinstein.  I’d never say you are dumb as a brick!) 

And certainly no mention about the phobia that you will give a party and absolutely no one will show up.  I mean, I can’t be the only one who suffers from this, although I can certainly write the description.

The symptoms generally are directly proportional to the amount of time and money that have gone into the party.  A party planned at the spur of the moment and consisting of opening a few bags of chips and waving the guests to the fridge for drinks will usually trigger no symptoms at all.  However, a party planned over the course of several days, involving hours of preparation and a significant outlay of cash will generally bring on severe symptoms.  

Symptoms also appear to worsen closer in time to the actual event.  During the planning portion, only a twinge of worry will occur.  However, once fifty Cornish game hens, halved and marinated, are sitting on baking sheets around the kitchen, waiting for the perfect time to hit the 400 degree oven, the symptoms dramatically increase.  By the time the Bruschetta and tapenade are beautifully arranged on plates throughout the room, the symptoms will reach their peak.

The best antidote, of course, is for someone to actually show up to the party.  By the time a third of the expected guests have arrived, the symptoms disappear completely – at least for this episode.

A related phobia involves showing up for someone else’s party, only to find that you are the only one there.  The host will cling desperately to you while you thank your lucky stars it isn’t your party and wonder how long you really have to stay in order to keep the bad karma away from you.  Having experienced this sort of related phobia will generally cause you to have a few of the chip-opening parties of your own before attempting a bigger event, just to ensure that you really did stay long enough.

Like the definition says, most phobias are irrational.  I mean, I’ve never actually had a gerbil attack me and my parties have always been well-attended – even though I do admit to pestering a few of my closest friends for days ahead of time to make sure they really are going to show up.  

But there is that other phobia… the one about being fearful of the post-party clean up.  Maybe you can help out with that one.